2007-12-11
12 Things to Do for the 12 Days of Christmas
1. Steal the Christmas tree from the lobby at Takashimaya. Tie it to the roof of your car and drive off.
2. Go carolling in your neighbourhood using Eric Idle's "Fuck Christmas" song.
3. Have an eggnog drinking contest.
4. Dress up as Santa Claus and get someone to be your assistant elf. Wander up and down along Orchard Road holding a world map, repeatedly referring to it, looking confused, and occasionally turning to your elf to say, "I KNEW we should've made that left turn!"
5. Scream in frustration, tear at your beard, and start beating your elf up in the middle of the street.
6. Dress as elves and assemble outside major shopping malls that go to great lengths to decorate themselves for Christmas. Stage a protest opposing the increasing commercialisation of Christmas in modern society, citing negative effects such as the exploitation of elf labour, global warming resulting from the farts of the flying reindeer specially bred to pull Santa's sleigh, the alarming rise in land use in the North Pole because of expanding warehouses to accommodate the presents of the growing world population, and the widespread use of a fat, bearded old man as the iconic Santa image, thus unknowingly encouraging Santa to STAY obese. This, you explain, can have disastrous environmental consequences because a heavier Santa means a heavier sleigh, which means more flying reindeer required to pull said sleigh, which means more flying reindeer farts, which means more global warming.
7. Get a huge sack and fill it with gift-wrapped presents. Leave it in a public place and inform the relevant authorities that you witnessed someone place it there in a highly suspicious manner. If questioned on the appearance of the person, say you saw a fat, bearded man in a red and white suit and hat. Oh, and wellies, don't forget the wellies.
8. Get a bunch of friends together, choose a row of houses (semi-detached terraces would do just fine), and assign each person to a particular house. On Christmas Eve, synchronise everyone's watches and quietly climb up onto the roofs of your designated houses. At precisely 12 midnight, start stomping around and shout, "HO HO HO!!!" before quickly climbing down and running off.
9. Try to blow up your Christmas lights by sending increasingly huge surges of electricity through the wires.
10. Wrestle in a pit filled with Christmas pudding.
11. Get a few Butterball frozen turkeys (the big ones) and hold a turkey-tossing competition with your friends in a field. The further you toss the turkey, the higher your score. You can also go turkey-bowling and play other assorted ball games, except substituting the ball with your turkey.
12. Buy as many pairs of women's stockings as you can (eg. nylon stockings, fishnet stockings etc.) and tape them to your neighbours' front doors on the night before Christmas. Leave a headless gingerbread man in each stocking, attaching a note informing the recipient that a gingerbread man serial killer is on the loose.
Note: The author of this list will not be held liable for any injuries, deaths or arrests that may result from attempting one or more things from this list.
feimao at 8:26 p.m.