2008-04-08
Once upon a time, there was a little boy
"At least she looks at me and says, 'I love you.'"
Maybe it's because, unlike her, I remember. Maybe it's because, unlike her, I remember enough to feel this way. Maybe it's because, unlike her, I can't forgive. Maybe it's because, unlike her, I lost everything a long time ago.
I have nothing to give you anymore. I really don't. Maybe I did last time, maybe I did try to reach out to you in my own ways, try to respond to you, but you always pushed me away because it wasn't done YOUR way. If it's not YOUR way, it doesn't count. Well, I'm tired of letting your misery make MY life miserable. I'm tired of constantly feeling the pressure to accommodate you just because of our relationship. You know what? I feel no relationship anymore. There is nothing left in me for you. Not for you, not for anyone else who thinks they can use me like that. I know I haven't done my part in many ways, but every time I try, there's always something discouraging waiting for me at the end. There's always something more I could've done, there's always something BETTER I could be. But I get it now: I'll never be good enough for you. I'll never be your ideal, I'll never hear you tell me, "It doesn't matter what they say because to me, you're perfect." I'll never look at you and say, "I love you." because I don't. I simply don't. I feel nothing.
You say I use you. You say I abuse you. You say every time I come to you, it's about negative things. You say I never share anything good with you. I did once, I honestly did. But it wasn't enough, I was never enough. I really will never be enough, will I? But it's ok, because I don't care anymore. Maybe that's why things are the way they are now. For all the times you've felt used, abused, taken for granted, think of all the times you used me, you abused me, you took me for granted. You're not a saint. You like to think of yourself as one, beset by suffering and tragedy and all kinds of adversities. Wake up, because you're doing the same things you claim people torment you with. I'm tired of letting you take all your frustrations and insecurities out on me while I have to bear them all in silence because opening my mouth would only make things worse. I can't even defend myself against things I shouldn't have to be made to defend myself against in the first place. You claim to be on my side, but I know you aren't. You may like to give the impression that you are, but I'm not as naive as you think I am. I know that in the end, you're just using me too. You just keep martyring yourself.
Your hypocrisy sickens me.
feimao at 11:16 p.m.