2008-05-02
No more gray.
Ok why did I say "continue next time" when that was pretty much the end of yesterday's story? Slap myself!
Epiphany time! I haven't read a book outside of school-related readings in a long long time and finishing Dexter in the Dark has made me feel so complete, even if I do think the first two books were rather better. Still, how nice to take short vacations in the land of fiction once in awhile, I really must do that more often and at healthier intervals. "I reject your reality and substitute my own!" It sounds completely deranged but Rachel and I still think that if we believe hard enough, we will fly one day. Hahaha, I take such comfort in knowing people like Rach still exist, ah how we commiserate. Dare to dream! Because a life without dreams would be a nightmare, I can't believe I wrote that as my concluding line in my O Levels compo paper. The temptation to pun is just too hard to resist, even in GP essays...
And blossoming up from the pain, shooting out of the emptiness like the first flower of spring, came something truly wonderful.
I got mad.
I am fed up with letting myself feel defeated. I am fed up with letting myself be forced to respond to everything that's thrown at me. I am fed up with letting myself feel so subject to judgement all around me. And I am fed up with being fed up.
It was an entire lifeless, colorless secondhand existence, and the torment of it was blindingly sharp, almost more than I could bear. It washed over me with exquisite agony, a torture worse than anything I had ever felt, a pain so bitter that I closed my eyes-
And then I felt a strange stirring inside, a kind of surging fulfillment, a feeling that things were just the way they should be, now and evermore, world without end; that what was brought together here must never be rent asunder.
I had quite a lot of epiphanies today, astounding. When I bought milo bottle today, there were three empty bottles on the tray: two green and one red. The aunty took a green one and so I ended up with a green bottlecap day, which meant it was a good day. What a hit and miss... To recap (no pun intended), red and orange caps mean awesome days, green and blue caps mean good days, and yellow caps mean so-so days. Originally, yellow caps meant bad days, but I figured at one point in time that there was no point in having any kind of bad day so I might as well shift the interpretations up a notch. Now that I think about it, I've also come to the conclusion that there is no point in letting myself have bad days at all. Being down and depressed and reserved is extremely tiring business and I got so fed up with it today that I erupted into a fit of irritability. It was a very RAWR (or as Rachel would say, "Woman on Bicycle") moment and it really woke me up. I suddenly realised that I was being a grouch, and I actually quite ENJOYED that grouch moment.
"Your shadow," he said. "It's back."
Yes, my shadow is back. I will be my old grouchy self, and I will be HAPPY. It's about time I lived up to those big words on my banner up there.
Watch out! because I AM MAKING IT HAPPEN
On a sidenote, I found this quite funny as I was talking to Deb Theseira during our ahem break today:
Me: You know how some people go to psychiatrists to find out what's wrong with them?
Theseira: Uh huh.
Me: Can you imagine if someone said, "Tell me what I have, and if you say I have depression I'm going to kill myself!"
Theseira: (laughs)
Depression is a stupid thing to have, so if it refuses to go away on its own, make it go away! Behold my irritable optimism!
feimao at 9:52 p.m.